Living With Myself

Veterans cope with various issues in different ways. Living with some of my actions continue to be my problem. I’ve done things and handled situations in moments that could’ve been handled in other ways. Some veterans have dreams that constantly remind them of hard to live with situations from the past. Sometimes I wake up remembering things that only a few people know about that I’ve done.

Talking about a few things in a controlled environment has helped. Talking has given me somewhat of a pressure relief valve too. Unfortunately though, relieving some pressure hasn’t erased the reality of things I’ve done. There were lives I never looked back at and to be honest, I really didn’t want to know. Families might have been adversely affected by things I’ve done. Going back to check has never been an option I elected to pursue. There’s no way to ask questions without opening old wounds.

I wouldn’t expect to receive thanks under the circumstances so I do the next best thing. Learning to live with myself is the next best option. Now I work on things that don’t put me in situations that have historically ended badly. I don’t like living with some of those in the moment decisions I’ve made. Like it or not though, we play with the cards we’re dealt and make the most of it.